Nobody, not one single body listens to me. Do you know how that makes me feel? The only attention I ever get is when I am angry red and painful. You think I’m pulling your leg, trust me that’s not the body part you want to go messing with; I mean have you seen that cellulite on those thighs. I told her not to wear those nasty strapped stilettoes. But did she listen to me? Girl, not even! She got all excited about colored glass glued to the heel. Rhinestones! You would think with the way she was going on about them they were diamonds.
Six weeks ago, I told that girl not to do it, but would she listen to me… noooooh. I even went so far as get puffy and achy and trust me it didn’t help. She just rubbed some of that stinky powder on me and jammed that ugly thing on. If this is how baby’s butts are supposed to smell, then I am grateful to travel near the ground.
You do not know how sorry I felt for her arches that day, and oh girl the balls of my foot were barking worse than Chihuahuas. She must have been feeling it too. Because those fuzzy slippers she tried on took a long time to come off. Not that her running around a shoe store with green puffballs on her feet was my concern but I saw the most amazing piece of leather craftsmanship. Oh honey, the suede on those booties and with a point that would make me sore for the next week, but they were perfect. I curled in delight when she bought them although they did have to share the bag with the slippers. You would think the shoe store was enough, but she had to have a shopping trip with the girls. Every store and don’t get me wrong shopping, is awesome but not when people step on you.
Here we were on our second trip around the mall and one of them decided they had to have a churro and that’s where everything went wrong. You would think a thirty-five-year-old woman could watch where she was going. Yeah right, some guy with the ugliest pair of dirty beat-up sneakers walks by and she sticks that blade of a heel in the slats of the escalator. I tried to tell her about stilettos and metal walkways don’t mix. Hell, I’m not even crazy about elevators, but did she listen? No
Fake diamonds on the soles of her shoe and I am soaring through the air as she tumbles off the moving stairs. Bags of beautiful leather boots are thrown across the floor and get scuffed. Do you know how hard it is to get scuff marks out of dyed leather? I don’t even want to talk about that because they are ruined, I can’t even look at them the same again.
Here I thought those shoes she was wearing were the worst thing to be seen in, oh girl not even. Try plaster! OH MY GOD, can you imagine? I would rather been seen in a Mary Jane first. You know what the cruelest part of all was? Even her foot could disappear but me, oh no I had to be seen in that graphitized monstrosity. Did she hide me so I didn’t have to suffer the shame for six weeks, no! She would set me on a chair for everyone to look at while others added ink to my prison.
Do you think for my pain and humiliation she would give me a pedicure? As if! No, I got plastic shoved over me before she took a bath. I could tell you about some of the times I wiggled in the water, it felt so good. Before the end of my banishment, I swore I couldn’t remember what it felt like to be clean. But for six weeks I was sentenced to a barren existence. She couldn’t even push back my cuticles or even give me a little color. Girl, I even had three hairs growing on me. You wouldn’t believe what a wreck I was and if I could have left I would. Even the other toes couldn’t cheer me up, but what do you expect from bunch stumpy leftovers? I know I shouldn’t say things like that, but I am sure if they tried a little harder, they could be longer, and plumper like me. Well, everyone but that pinky. I think she is the runt of the litter, and it can’t be helped, so I don’t say anything because I don’t want to hurt her feelings.
So this morning we go to the doctors. I was so excited my exile to the land of ugly was about to be over. Freedom was only a saw blade away and all she could do was make small talk and flirt with the man. If I could have ingrown my nail right then I would have to remind her who’s the boss. But no, I must just be destined to suffer through life.
The dust, oh my god, I thought I was going to choke to death from the plaster that was getting all over me. Maybe that was a good thing though nobody could recognize me for the first time since those nasty heels graced my foot. My poor foot, I wasn’t the only one who had suffered. The top had lost all its color and the bottom was so scaly and rough it could pass for a fish. To be truthful it smelled like one too. So it was a good thing our next stop was the nail place.
Pedicures are my favorite time of the month, and I was so going to enjoy this. But you know how you wait for something and wait, and then it’s nothing like you imagine. It’s true she let me go while I was trapped but really, did the nail tech have to be so rough? I bent myself under to show my displeasure only to get a repeated dunking in the now cold foot bath.
On the bright side all of the rough handling left me a new toe. I no longer smell like I belong in a tank somewhere. My cuticles, oh girl what cuticles and the nail under that coat of brilliant red polish shines like a new penny. I even have a pretty little flower to show off in those adorable pep-toe pumps she likes to wear to the office. And tonight, we are going dancing.
Little black dress and… Oh HELL NO! Not those again. Girl didn’t you learn your lesson the last time. Rhinestones do not make the heel and I will not be confined in those revolting six-inch death traps.